Enough is Enough!

“Narcisstic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do…. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them….For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal….they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home…. Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults….These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it.“

  Hello,

I'm a daughter of a narcisstic mother. I have been abused with her behavior since I was a little child. Yesterday, I just got so fed up and started researching online why she behaved this way. First thing I searched was why are mothers jealous of their daughters and after that I read articles through articles and came to an article about Narcisstic mothers. I read the some symptoms and came to a conclusion and diognosed her with this. :) I have been researching and in this blog I have put together on what I found useful.

Narcissism Traits:

1. A person with narcissistic personality disorder has a grandiose sense of self-importance,
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love,
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique,
4. requires excessive admiration,
5. has a sense of entitlement,
6. is interpersonally exploitative,
7. lacks empathy,
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her,
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.  

             I can go on and on with stories about her. I will share some with you all. My mother always seemed to get jealous if I ever had friends. She would try to destroy my friendships and now seeing and realizing she has narcisstic disorder this was her jealousy reaction. She wanted attention and once I was giving to others she felt to destroy me and my friendships. If someone would ever say "oh my your daughter is so pretty!" she would come home and tell me why were they saying that because your NOT pretty I think they are just trying to be nice to you. Which I started to believe. Seemed like she was trying to crush me and my self esteem. Even in school when i wanted to become something she would say OH NO you cant do that better not to.  She didnt want to see me achieve in life. Even If i was in relationships she woudl get jealous. Now I recently just got married N I KNOW she is jealous of mine and my mother in laws relationship. My mother in law is such a sweet heart and I NEVER in my life experienced that kind of motherly love and its sad I had to experience it after marriage when im 26 now. She also only loves me if I clean the house or buy her something. It's just craziness. If at times she nags or calls me names such as PROSTITUTE, HOE, UGLY ....etc I get upset. Or if she says remarks that im nothing or just plan jealousy comes out and she degrades me I STOP TALKING TO HER. Then she goes around telling ppl how bad I am and she will cry her eyes out. When I stop talking to her and still talk to my father she will say to my father ARE U having an affair with her!??? WTF thats so sick in the head!!! ONLY TO gain his attention or an reaction from her!!  IM SICK and Tired of her CHILDISH and Narcisstic BEHAVIOR! These are just some I think i can go on and on with life stories of how she has degraded me.


  NOW I can see why I am the way I am at time and why I choose wrong relationships in past.

PER  DR. Karyl Mcbride Author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

What typically happens to these daughters in their own romantic relationships? These daughters learn a distorted view of love. They learn that love is about "what I can do for you and what you can do for me." They may be overly dependent on their partners, or choose people who are entirely dependent on them. A healthy relationship, meanwhile, is based on the back and forth of interdependency.

How would you describe the typical husband of such a mother? The spouse has to revolve around her, often, in order to stay in the relationship. He may practically worship her. That means he may never help or protect the child who is being ignored. Some fathers I've talked to realize the damage being done to their child, but feel that they can't do anything about it. Others seem to not be aware.


you found two typical patterns of behavior in daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Yes. There's the high achieving daughter—I call her Mary Marvel—who appears to be perfect in all she does. One of the main messages that gets internalized when your mother is narcissistic is, "You are valued for what you do and not for who you are." So Mary Marvel is constantly trying to prove to herself that she does have worth, by mastering different endeavors.
The other kind of daughter is a rebel. She's an under-achiever who self-sabotages. She may end up on welfare or addicted to drugs or alcohol. It's interesting, the two types look very different on the outside, but their internal landscape is similar. The self-saboteur also thinks she's not good enough, but has given up on disproving it.


What typically happens to these daughters in their own romantic relationships?
These daughters learn a distorted view of love. They learn that love is about "what I can do for you and what you can do for me." They may be overly dependent on their partners, or choose people who are entirely dependent on them. A healthy relationship, meanwhile, is based on the back and forth of interdependency.


How can an adult daughter "recover" from narcissistic mothering?
In the book I outline a 5-step program. The first part is accepting that you had a mother that didn't love you. This is very hard for some women to acknowledge, especially because daughters in these families were not taught to deal with their feelings.
Then the daughter must separate psychologically from her mother. Part of that is tapping into who she is and figuring out who she wants to be. It's also important to end the legacy, to prevent the next generation from suffering in the same way.


How can these women avoid becoming just like their mothers, then?
It's really about internal changes, and changing how they interact with other people.
You can learn how to be empathetic with your children. That doesn't mean loving "my kid the ballerina" or "my kid the soccer player," but really tuning into who your children are as people. And it's not about praising them just to praise them. That leads children to feel entitled, which is a narcissistic trait.


If these women treat their mothers differently, will the mothers react differently?
If a daughter starts setting boundaries in the beginning of this process, the mother's bad behavior may in fact escalate. That's why I often recommend a temporary separation.
The mothers may not change. I wouldn't want to give daughters hope that they will. But once a daughter understands her mother's narcissism, her own anger and resentment will fade. She can approach her mother in a loving way, and not as a victim.
It's really about accepting your mother's limitations. One of the women on my online forum described her old mentality toward her mother as something like this, "It's like my mom is colorblind, and I keep asking her to appreciate a rainbow."


The APA estimates that 1.5 million American women are "official" narcissists, meaning millions more can be found on the lower end of that personality spectrum.

 WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Create boundaries and concrete rules. As soon as a narcissistic family member realizes that you are trying to become more independent, there will be drama. There might be tears or sudden emergencies that they will "need" you for. Make rules about what they can call upon you for, insist that they call before dropping by, and don't respond to them at all if they break these rules. It's actually a similar process to training a toddler! It will require steadfastness on your end, but it will be worth it when they begin to stop leaning on you so hard.

Talk with your other family members about what you are doing, for example siblings close to your age or parents, whoever is also vulnerable to this dysfunction. You should let them know that you are kindly trying to distance yourself from this narcissistic family member

      
        Why? Because, that narcissist will try to get to you through other family members. They will call and try to create drama and problems between family members in order to get attention and get you to give in and call them, even if it's to yell at them. When they stop getting what they want from you, they will be willing to do anything to get any kind of attention. So giving others a heads up can prevent drama.

Throughout all of this, remember, this is a behavioral dysfunction. It's a personality disorder that THEY have. It's not something that has to be a part of your life. They are not as fragile as they would like you to believe. Stay strong, stay relaxed, and remember that they are far more okay than they may try to appear.

Don't let one family narcissist rule your life or your other family relationships. This is one circumstance where it's okay to hang back!

I HOPE THIS was HELPFul. Just remember if you are an victim you dont have the issues but, YOU MUST get out of this situation. The narcisstic mother will continue to degrade you and cause problems in your life and your loved ones. If people believe your mother then let them go and not care what they think of you. People should know better to hear two sides of a story rather than get manipulated with your mothers fake lies and cries...

TAKE CARE and all the best.

Komal